Starting Over

In 2001 Larry Crabb released a book called Shattered Dreams. This book was quite popular among the people in my circle at that time. There were Bible studies/Book Studies surrounding this work. I started to read the book and I found it to be of a spiritual nature but it wasn't really speaking to me at the time. Recently, I picked the book up again and I have found it to be a magnificent work. So why the change?

My perception of the book has changed because my life experience has changed. Back in 2001 I was incredibly hopeful for the future. I was sewing seeds in the spirit, in education, in my job and I was looking forward to a great harvest. At that time I had experienced some major losses and pain, but I was still highly optimistic about my future. Since that time my dreams have been crushed.

All I had hoped for has not gone the way I planned or hoped. My career, my finances, my relationships, my health, and most painful-my ministry, has gone every way but right. The pain of Shattered Dreams has come upon me in a way that I have been thinking I might not recover. I poured my heart, resources, time, and prayers all into one big wicker basket that has gone up in smoke. The reality of my current state is painful. I have lost my "What if?"

Despite my painful circumstances all hope is not lost. One of the main points I have tried to drive home to the young men I work with is having the ability to give your all in an effort to obtain your goals and in the event that things don't work out, having the maturity to deal with the disappointment appropriately and continue on. This is living life in a way that you feel the pain of loss and suffering and experience the joy and happiness of success-all to the full. This is where I am and what I am struggling to do.

I highly value authenticity. I try to live my life as an honest, real, "authentic" person. I don't want to fake joy, fake blessing, fake faith. I want to be real. I feel pain and joy alike. I believe that if I am authentic I will have credibility with those I encounter. Authenticity does not come without a price. The price comes when your actions are congruent with your words. My actions are now being tested by my words. My dreams have been shattered and the question is; "What do I do now?"

Well, I have to start at square one-GOD. As an authentic person I can't pretend that my relationship is right with God because it is not. As dream after dream has been shattered I have hardened my heart toward God more and more. That has left me angry with God and asking "Why?" Why would he allow me to fail after I poured my resources into advancing his kingdom? Why would he allow me to fight for my dream only to see others obtain it? Why would he let me harden my heart like this and be so distant? Why, why why?

I doubt I will ever have the exact answer to my questions. What I do hope for is that I will be restored in my relationship and passion for the Lord with a joy that is deeper than anything I have ever had before. I hope that my relationship going forward will be more authentic than it was before. I hope my motives would be pure, not clouded with ulterior motives.

So, here I am. Starting over again. I wish I knew for certain that my journey will take me to greater heights and deeper depths in the Lord. Truth is, I don't know where this is going to go. I only know that I am going. I will be documenting my journey here on my blog. Feel free to make suggestions as to how you have dealt with times like these in your life if you have ever experienced such times. Let me know how you found your way again. Hopefully, if you are a person that is in my shoes maybe we can walk together. With that, here we go.