My wife is likely the most intelligent woman I know. She has Jamesology down to a science. Although I don’t care to admit it at the time, she is often correct when it comes to my issues. My wife says that I obsess over things. I zero in, study it, internalize it, and meditate on it, and so on. She also says that every strength has a weakness. I have found both of these statements to be true.
My obsession with organizations, hobbies, work, school, and faith have had their benefit. They have also had their faults. When I was a baseball player in high school I played for three different teams. I would literally go from a game, to practice, to another practice. I attended multiple camps during the summer and winter. I even quit wrestling (a sport I had skill in) because I wanted to dedicate all of my time to baseball. Despite my best efforts, I was never able to sustain a starting position on my high school team.
Finally, fed up with the futility and failure I quit my high school team. At the same time my neighborhood league team had been disbanded due to a lack of players. To top it off MLB players went on strike. I was furious with the end of my baseball dreams. As a result, I came to hate baseball. I didn’t play, didn’t watch, and didn’t try out-nothing. I had buried my love.
The same thing has happened to my faith. I spent nearly ten years in a church. While I was there I served in maintenance, Sunday school, as a minister, altar worker, mentor, and practically anything else I could get my hands into. I attended every class I could, every conference, and speaking engagement the leaders of the church had. Yet, once again I could not break into the starting “line-up.” I pleaded with the leadership to allow me an opportunity to serve in the way I felt God had gifted me. No matter what, the gate keepers would not let me in.
In response I left the church. Mad at the leadership and to be honest, mad at God. I have visited churches since that time and was not satisfied. I struggled to read the Word. They appeared as just words on a page. No power, no conviction, no inspiration. I would try to pray and my words felt empty. Often I couldn’t even complete a sentence before I was distracted. My faith was stale. It had lost its taste. Its texture had changed. I began to examine where I was and who I was in Christ. Was I following God or man? Was my faith real or simply an outgrowth of my social interactions? Had I been hearing from God or just hearing from the pastor and what he thought was important?
I feared that I would forever be lost to my pain and unforgiveness. This seemed like it would go on forever. I was bitter and couldn’t let go of what I perceived to be a wrong against me. I viewed the church (universal) and its spokesman with suspicion. I didn’t know where to go. It is hard for believers that haven’t felt the pain of rejection within the church to relate to those that have. I don’t fault them. I would have been the same if not for my experience.
One day while I was listening to sports radio God spoke. The hosts of the show were commenting on the rapper, Eminem. They talked about how angry he was. They said they understood if he had a rough life, but how long could he stay mad? That question echoed in my heart and soul over and over. HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY MAD? It was simple and yet profound. At that point I began to repent in a meaningful and heartfelt way.
It felt like the weight had been lifted. To be forthcoming, I was not completely healed or anything like that. However, the healing process was in full swing. I began to see how God had equipped me with skills and training through my time at the church. I looked at the support I did receive. I started to see the good that was taking place and how I had benefited from it. I started reading the Bible again and the Word seems to have come back to life. My prayers were once again full of passion. Freedom from unforgiveness was flowing in my heart. My love for God, His Word, and His people has been revitalized. I am thankful.
If you find yourself in a similar situation with the people in your life I urge you to ask yourself, “How long can I stay mad?” Ask God to help you to forgive. Ask God to forgive you. Then do all you can to bring about reconciliation in that relationship if possible and healthy. Don’t be enslaved to bitterness. Enjoy life and the people God has put before you. Be free, love again.
My obsession with organizations, hobbies, work, school, and faith have had their benefit. They have also had their faults. When I was a baseball player in high school I played for three different teams. I would literally go from a game, to practice, to another practice. I attended multiple camps during the summer and winter. I even quit wrestling (a sport I had skill in) because I wanted to dedicate all of my time to baseball. Despite my best efforts, I was never able to sustain a starting position on my high school team.
Finally, fed up with the futility and failure I quit my high school team. At the same time my neighborhood league team had been disbanded due to a lack of players. To top it off MLB players went on strike. I was furious with the end of my baseball dreams. As a result, I came to hate baseball. I didn’t play, didn’t watch, and didn’t try out-nothing. I had buried my love.
The same thing has happened to my faith. I spent nearly ten years in a church. While I was there I served in maintenance, Sunday school, as a minister, altar worker, mentor, and practically anything else I could get my hands into. I attended every class I could, every conference, and speaking engagement the leaders of the church had. Yet, once again I could not break into the starting “line-up.” I pleaded with the leadership to allow me an opportunity to serve in the way I felt God had gifted me. No matter what, the gate keepers would not let me in.
In response I left the church. Mad at the leadership and to be honest, mad at God. I have visited churches since that time and was not satisfied. I struggled to read the Word. They appeared as just words on a page. No power, no conviction, no inspiration. I would try to pray and my words felt empty. Often I couldn’t even complete a sentence before I was distracted. My faith was stale. It had lost its taste. Its texture had changed. I began to examine where I was and who I was in Christ. Was I following God or man? Was my faith real or simply an outgrowth of my social interactions? Had I been hearing from God or just hearing from the pastor and what he thought was important?
I feared that I would forever be lost to my pain and unforgiveness. This seemed like it would go on forever. I was bitter and couldn’t let go of what I perceived to be a wrong against me. I viewed the church (universal) and its spokesman with suspicion. I didn’t know where to go. It is hard for believers that haven’t felt the pain of rejection within the church to relate to those that have. I don’t fault them. I would have been the same if not for my experience.
One day while I was listening to sports radio God spoke. The hosts of the show were commenting on the rapper, Eminem. They talked about how angry he was. They said they understood if he had a rough life, but how long could he stay mad? That question echoed in my heart and soul over and over. HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY MAD? It was simple and yet profound. At that point I began to repent in a meaningful and heartfelt way.
It felt like the weight had been lifted. To be forthcoming, I was not completely healed or anything like that. However, the healing process was in full swing. I began to see how God had equipped me with skills and training through my time at the church. I looked at the support I did receive. I started to see the good that was taking place and how I had benefited from it. I started reading the Bible again and the Word seems to have come back to life. My prayers were once again full of passion. Freedom from unforgiveness was flowing in my heart. My love for God, His Word, and His people has been revitalized. I am thankful.
If you find yourself in a similar situation with the people in your life I urge you to ask yourself, “How long can I stay mad?” Ask God to help you to forgive. Ask God to forgive you. Then do all you can to bring about reconciliation in that relationship if possible and healthy. Don’t be enslaved to bitterness. Enjoy life and the people God has put before you. Be free, love again.
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